BREAKING NEWS: Drivers don’t want to get pissed.

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In other news, the sky is blue, British weather is terrible and a Scotch Egg stall didn’t go down very well at a vegan festival.

JD Wetherspoon chairman Tim Martin has admitted drink sales have been poor at its first motorway services site because ‘people just want a coffee’.

The term “no shit, Sherlock” came to mind when this story popped up on my twitter feed this morning. The Hope & Champion opened in January this year as the first pub in a motorway service station from the genius’ at JD Wetherspoons.

It was met with cries of “Noooo! All the drivers’ll be drunk now!” when everyone forgot that service stations already sell alcohol, the shop that sells the boiled sweets you bought before you set off also sold alcohol and that human beings, in fact, have a certain level of free will.

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Tim Martin, Mullet-wearing founder of Spoons, told the Morning Advertiser, “McDonald’s and Nando’s are doing better than us. There is a feeling people would rather have a coffee at the service station then a pint when they get home. We thought we could attract custom from passengers and maybe it would be ‘all right on the night’.”

The motorway pub has been a sorry state of affairs from the beginning. A PR disaster and an idea that clearly wasn’t completely thought out.

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I always thought it was an odd idea. Regularly I am driven from the Midlands back to Lincoln by my Mother and as much of a hophead as I am I’ve never wished for a beer on the A46. There are few things I want more on that journey than an XL bacon cheese burger from Burger King and to confused my Mother with the concept of a Iced Caramel Macchiato. Caffeine and sugar; that’s what I want on a motorway journey. We’re weary, warm and uncomfortable. Motorway travel isn’t fun, I’d much rather get home quicker than sit in a pub with the lovely background music of the motorway.

Really, I just want a coffee.

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