I’m currently about 90% through my Christmas shopping however I’m working in retail at the moment so I guess you say I have an advantage. I’ve been perusing the shelves for the last month although most of the ideas I came up with may have been for myself. Oops. So many beer books! How can a girl resist!? I ended up mooching online post-work today and I was considerably less delighted at what I found than I when I came across a 13 inch Moomin plushie earlier this week. So, without further ado here’s my list of the weary beer(y), snoozeworthy booze(worthy?) and hopping mad gifts from the dank depths of the internet.
7 “Keep Calm and Have A Beer Fine China Mug”
At number seven we have yet another addition to the “Keep Calm and VERB NOUN” family in the form of the legend “Keep Calm and Have A Beer”. A perfectly acceptable slogan if you happen to be a fan of wartime propaganda on your chinaware. However i’m am perfectly offended by the placement of “Keep Calm and Have A Beer” on a receptacle entirely designed for the consumption of a non-alcoholic beverage.
It’s a mug! It’s for tea and coffee and hot squash when you’ve got the sniffles! The only gosh darn situation in which you would drink beer from a mug would be when you haven’t done the washing up. At which point this particular mug will of course be hidden under several bowls of pasta caked in dry gravy and you’ll be forced to use the novelty mug that came with an Easter egg several years before.
6 “Beer Makes Daddy Strong (Hardback)”
The next appalling gift is toted from Father’s Day and as fathers, and only fathers enjoy beer this is of course the theme. My problem with this item is simply the title. There’s something quite darn creepy.
“Beer Makes Daddy Strong”. Really. Doesn’t that just make the spine crawl? It sounds like a misery memoir rather than a Father’s Day gift. No. Don’t buy your Dad this book, get him a tankard. Dads love tankards. My Granddad’ll go mad over a chunk of pewter.
5 “Brown Beer Hat”
In at number five –GOOOOOLLLLDDDDEN RIIIIIIIINGS– comes this hat. This. ridiculous. hat. There are no words to describe it. What kind of hat makes a man do this face? What kind of bloody hat…
4 “Gentlemens Club Pocket Pint”
This next “gift” is (thankfully) the only one on the list that I actually own. I bought it from a gift shop in some kind museum when I was still a little nerd in pigtails (now I’m a big nerd in pigtails) and was utterly delighted with my purchase until I split orange juice down my favourite fleece.
The way these collapsible cups work is via the power of gravity pulling the segments together. In a perfect world… well, it still wouldn’t work. A slight angle, or a tiny knock on the cup and the segments come apart spilling orange juice down your front. I’m not risking a tasty porter on the wayward design of a foldaway cup.
And on a secondary point! What on Earth about a badly designed plastic cup is gentlemanly?!
3 “Sexy Torso Beer Glass 2.5 Pint”
At number three comes and item from the ghastly website, Drink Stuff where wine related gifts and cocktail books are in the “Gifts for Her” section and anything regarding beer is in the “Gifts for Him” section. Can I get a “#cocktoBEERfest!!”, Melissa Cole?
For just £11.99 you can purchase your very own two and a half pint booby glass thing. I mean, really. A boob glass. Where’s my stein with a massive wang on it? It could curve around to make the handle, wouldn’t that just be delightful?
2 “Bum Bag Drinks Cooler”
What even is a turtle dove? Surely the shell would hinder its ability to fly?
Firebox is one of my favourite gifty websites but this one utterly baffles me. Why would anyone want this? Is street drinking stylish now? The only way I could imagine this gift being given is as a joke in which case it’s highly doubtful that it would ever be used. That in itself is daft, afterall, if you ignore the look of the thing it’s a very practical object doomed to sit in a cupboard after it was used once on Christmas day when you drank a can of Coke from it in your jammies.
Never buy this. It is a dreadful present. You should be better at buying presents.
1 “Carlsberg Beer & Glass Gift Set”
Time for a final terrible entry on this list of sorrowful Secret Santa slip ups.
Now, I’m not saying you shouldn’t drink Carlsberg. If you like that kind of thing then go wild. But a cheap beer that you can buy in basically any pub or bar is an awful gift. Just absolutely awful. It’s like buying someone pens. Just because you regularly use them and enjoy writing doesn’t mean you’d enjoy a pack of biros as a Christmas present.
You can get this particular “gift set” from BHS including a bottle of Carlsberg, a Carlsberg glass all in a display tube. Who doesn’t have a Carlsberg glass in their kitchen cupboard?! Nobody, that’s who! An absolutely atrocious gift.
Did I mention that this costs £10? TEN POUNDS!
So a friendly word to you all. Don’t buy any of these for your beer geek friends. Find them a nice book, with pretty bottles on the cover. Even if the book’s awful at least there’s something nice to look at. Or get them a bottle of their favourite beer, maybe a matching glass or a cute novelty. Not a ghastly one. Or anything to do with boobs.
Nothing to do with boobs please.